I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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