I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
