Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
