god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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