I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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