I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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