He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize