I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
