your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize