I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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