Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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