No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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