she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Even my vagina gasped.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
