Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
