i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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