You made me cry and you don't even care
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
