apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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