Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
