But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
