We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
My ass is underappreciated
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
