I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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