just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Randomize
