Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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