When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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