she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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