I have demons in me.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
