She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
