when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize