I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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