You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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