Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Randomize
