Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize