i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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