i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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