oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
he fucked my hip out of place.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
