Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
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