if i can run in heels then i can drive
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
