Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
