was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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