a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
