Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
