I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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