i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
