I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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