As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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