Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
