I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
