my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize