i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
