I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
