You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Randomize
