I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize