This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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