Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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