Quick, to the slutcave!
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
