dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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